Always With You

Strumming Some Heartstrings

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Note: I'm sorry if i've wasted your time, you can just move your mouse and click on the little x button at the top right hand corner right now.

Looks like its been pretty long since i blogged about something.
Recently not in a pretty good mood. Mixed feelings all the time.

As the busy-ness comes to an end after promos, when all the peace and quietness comes through, I thought about alot of things.

0911 is graduated last fri. Silin a.k.a noobling came to look for me for lunch yesterday. Introduced her to Mix-in-a-bowl. She has never ate from that stall before after 2 years. And now, she say she cant stop thinking about the chicken mushroom noodles. She actually asked me to eat with her again later today. haha. Kinda missed the times i spent with her.

The other day as i was walking to the mrt, i remember how we used to walked to the serangoon mrt after school before the circle line opened. All the jokes and weird things that came out. Gary, noobling, physiotherapy.... all the fond memories. I will really miss her when i dont get to see her next year in school. When all the familiar faces cease to exist, what happens?
I decided to take a bus back yesterday, like how i always do after walking to serangoon mrt with noobling. Memories! Memories!

Monday, while sitting in econs lecture, my mood went all the way down to rock bottom. 1st, i was sitting beside a 'nice' classmate. Shall not mention here. then, as i listened, i realized how bad i had done for the econs essay for promos. Kinda stupid to attempt qn 1 when i have all my content and skill for qn 3. I was so depressed by the fact that i chose qn 1 and not 3. Left school almost immediately after the lecture. I reached home at bout 12 and watched tv all the way through till 6pm. What a way to suppress all the moody me. My eyes were so tired... Sometimes, i wonder if i should have listened to mrs ng to go for poly and not come to JC. JC seems pretty glorious and is the 'right' route then... but now, its been 2 years and i can't seem to achieve good results and meet my own expectations. I JUST CANT break the barrier for maths and econs. After all the time practices, promos seems to be worser than it. Is 2 years in JC wasted? I am 18, i realized. Somehow, i feel old and insecure now, not like i have felt secure before. Alina ah Alina, what have you been doing for the past 2 years?

I have great respect for Jerrold now. How he can walk into the office and tell them he is not going for his H1 paper. I tried imagining me doing the same thing one day but to no avail. How he is playing out there right now, while i am here typing this emo post and feeling moody all day long...

Relationship, my mum ever went to a fortune teller and he said there my 'yin yuan' is not good. I kinda start to agree with the statement. or maybe its some psychological if you say so. Maybe its just me, failing to cherish the one before me. Sometimes when i see the 2 of them walking along the corridor, i tend to avoid. It has become a reflex habit. Why do I avoid you everytime i see you? You promised to wait for my answer but you didnt? But to me, you are a thing of the past. I shall bring out the courage to meet you with eye contact the next time i see you.

Now, i am glad that i have someone else beside me. I know i haven been a great friend to you. I ignore your smses, your msn convos, your effort. But you understood me well. You said you didnt blame me but only unhappy to a certain extent. I asked if you will fall for another girl we both know, you said no. I asked why, You said you just did not have the feel. I asked why didnt you follow anyone else on twitter, you said cos you are only interested in my tweets. I am thankful for all you have done. But, i m wondering if i am ready for all these. Its takes commitment and time to make things happen, i am afraid of not being able to meet these factors. Im questioning my own abilities with each sms i reply you, is this what is right? Will God assure us as more than friends, or just friends? I really have no idea. I am confused now.

As i slack at home everyday after school, watching tv and playing w the computer, i start to find my life very meaningless. I reflect back and thought, why am i not doing the things i said i wanna do after promos? Somehow, while the sea is calm, my interest is calmed as well. I wanna compose a song, practice my piano, pack my room, file my notes, sew a pencil case, a field trip to the zoo, meet up with friends i haven seen in a long time. But all i am doing is attend lectures and try and convince myself that i have to continue studying. I sat in the atrium yesterday, looking at my econs promos paper. On Monday, i went to re-do my maths promos paper. I am confused and i dont know what to do, i am just not in the right mood now for anything.

I choose to not look up 1032, i choose to re-living the memories of being with 0911, Hannah blogged after graduation ceremony that although we can no longer attend lectures and tutorials together as the original 0911, we will always be friends. But, facing up to reality, i am distant from them already and brought myself to be stuck between my 2 classes. I am neither here nor there. As it is said, i AM J1.5, not 2, not 1, but just hanging in the middle, not knowing which direction to head towards.

I am a lost sheep, confused over my own feelings, unsure of my own actions and future, and is being an emo-kid right now. IF only we do not have to grow up.

Can someone tell me what to do?

Mdm Chua, I am grateful for your attempt in trying to cheer me up and assure me of my knowledge and intelligence. No words can express how thankful i am to have you as my teacher even if its just a short 6 months. You may not be 'real' teacher YET, but your sincere attitude, and hardwork, i believe, have touched many others, even if its just me, it proves something huh? I cannot imagine how next year will be like when you leave.

I have to say, You're right, this is just a phase only. But i really am a boring person, emotional one that fails to break the barrier within herself and one who currently does not know how to get across this phase right now.

Hi, my name is alina. NYJC 1032 currently. NYCO Percussionist. Singapore Can Speak Top 16. I LOVE the colour lime green. Wishes to be a lawyer! :) ... more